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rant

Phoenix

I belong to this world or maybe I am the world or just a void in space, whatever it is, some days I am so full of life, feels like I could give birth to million galaxies and swallow down the burning meteoroids or maybe save everyone from existential crisis. When I see someone suffering, especially something I have been through and managed to survive, there is this invincible desire to move their world upside down and make them see, how incredibly tiny and pointless their pain/ sufferings are. Then, at the exact same moment I want to stay distant, speak only when asked and help only as much as needed to let others soak up the hell fire and be their own Phoenix.

Everyday, I come across someone who starts or end the conversation with “you/ your words saved me” and I just end up smiling, doing nothing, trying to be distant. Like how!
I can barely drag myself out to at least to breathe. I leave conversations in cliffhanger, don’t reply for weeks, worse, delete my accounts. When I am back from the shell, how everyone is still here? Why everyone is still here?

There is this person living inside me, even after all the hell I put through myself, she never left, she actually refuses to leave. And wants to save everyone, her believes in love are so strong that all my demons cry for her to leave. But she keep trying to pull off these “heroic” scenes. Once I told her, if you must,then save me from myself.To which she replied, “saving is not something you need”.
OKAY. What do I need then?

You can call me narcissist, but my world does revolves around me. I am the greatest weapon of destruction and source of healing I have ever known, and these days..

I am not sure what I am.

By Kajal

Hello there, Kajal here! I started blogging in September, 2018. It was purely random as I needed a space to pour my heart and thoughts out. This place is like my safe heaven where I let my fingers and feelings run free to curate poems and to rant about things that are bothering my thoughts. My journey here has been bittersweet and wonderful at the same time. But because of all the love I receive here, I keep coming back to read and to write.You all have been great support and advicers to me and I'm really grateful. Your feedback, emails and comments keep the mermaid inside me going :)

98 replies on “Phoenix”

This is a fantastic piece of writing. I can hear the honesty and compassion in your voice.

It is very clear to me that you have some very caring and loving people in your life…perhaps a definition of friendship?

I look forward to reading more from you as I know how much courage it can take to speak at times.

You are blessed.

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Yes, Kajal.
Imagination is a powerful force to be reconciled as it can take one in a multitude of directions some amazing and some not good at all; even highly self-destructive. It can make one a super hero in the eyes of others and even one’s self, but if not bridled with discernment some adventures initiated by imagination can come crashing down and be hopelessly dashed to pieces, as for example the Flight of the Phoenix of Greek Mythology! But, “being saved is reality” and none of us can save ourselves because we all will face the end game reality of mortality no matter how powerful our imaginations are or however millions would listen to our rants and fantasies! Eventually any one of us will come crashing down and fly no more! There will be a moment in the future when in your mind all will be silent and there will be no response or anything left to say! Will all be lost, that depends if the imagination was tempered with “hope and faith” of “the higher power than anything we can know on our own,” therefore we must discern and decipher carefully what is and isn’t being said, as we seek to understand what really matters; because out there in the vastness and within the deepest imagination lies the answer to all our fears, hopes, passions, yearnings and even our own lack, within the collective consciousness’s of mankind, because we are only a fragment of the whole story and cannot fathom the ultimate awe and mystery that is always somewhere outside of our reach and wildest imagination!
Lawrence Morra

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I wanted to write a long reply, but i am really having a bad time with words.
Thank you always being here and sharing your thoughts, wisdom and blessings.

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By Post Author

Blessings and peace Kajal, you would like to write a long reply but could be feeling restricted by this forum; and if words or choosing the right ones are perhaps concerning because of their potential conveying of thoughts and feelings that are too sensitive and personal here, that is of course a natural concern to have. I’m always willing to look into these things more closely and all for the purpose of being helpful as God wants us to do. But, this is very good you bring this up now because I want to also say that I hope my choice of words and sometimes my bold expression of my feelings or ideas doesn’t intimidate or offend, because though that is quite possibly the case many times it isn’t my intention at all, merely my own human imperfection getting in the way of my heart and my being very direct or too blatantly honest about something I’m thinking! That said, I want to offer you an email address of mine so you can take your time and put your thoughts in any words or fashion you wish and even if not sure how they will come across not to fear; I will look forward to reading them and doing my best to understand, then we can engage in a dialog that will I know eventually address all of the awkwardness or lack of confidence that may be presently in the way! The real me, the basic person, is rather down to earth and easy going but sometimes resistant or seems abrasive due to the punishment the world has dished out to me, yet like an uncle of mine said once when I told him a man I work with told me I’m a bit eccentric; “no you’re not you’re just happy go lucky!” I like what my uncle said it made me feel resolved that what he said is the truth, I am and always was a happy soul and maybe just too naïve to trust the world as I did at times. And, I’m far removed from being a bully to get what I want in life; that to me is a loser’s way of living, and achieving needs or goals.
God Bless You and Yours.
Lawrence
lmor3@aol.com

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Thank you, and you are of course welcome! I’m always kind to my animal kingdom critter friends but with people I find it hard to be such consistently, because too many people disappoint and do even worse which hey have to me. But, I say this because even though that is the truth and case, I still have compassion for the good people that are in the world of which you are one! In spite of being burned by some of them I know there is always hope that some people have genuine hearts full of love like I always have and still try to hold onto in my own! You are doing fine; so keep the faith!

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You are a survivor of the greatest war fought in human relations. You are a writer of humble and pleasant soul of a human being. You mistress and ruler of ocean, heartbeat of ocean. You are a mermaid. Keep writing these stuffs, these kinda stuffs helps me to get out of similar situations. Thank you for writing.
(P.S. you are alligator too 💮💮💮)

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These days you are just a little confused….you going into a shell won’t help others and certainly won’t do justice to your own spirit….you’re meant to fly, to love….that person living inside you that refuses to leave is the real you…hope you accept it once and for all

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Great, really great! Me too :) I try to sensibilize and , in fact, Joker can be a sort of way in order to express this situation. In my blog, I analyzed many social situation and I hope in a concrete reflection for new future :)

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You know, public opinion can’t figure out whether it’s all about me or I am the hole in the donut. Don’t worry about narcissism. If you mind your own business, usually the rest of the world can take care of itself. You need only be a pillar of strength for you, and others will learn by your example, pick your brain, take some inspiration. If all you do is exist, you’re still in this world and touching somebody.

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I have noticed and it’s really a good thing.
But I am having really bad timing with words, so I can’t be certain about it.

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By Post Author

I was very lost and ran away for many years to live in the middle of nowhere as no one. I am a survivor. I worked as a torch worker. We demolished many things including a naval destroyer. I worked for 8 years in the yard, outside – rain or shine – with a torch in my hand and a smile on my blackened face.
Every day I was given enormous industrial objects that were meant to last forever and I was asked to destroy them down to their base metals, sort the remains and cut everything to shipping size.
I was the destroyer of all that lay before me – and I liked it! Later on I discovered that I NEEDED it to move on…
So no, you are not selfish. You are “… the greatest weapon of destruction and source of healing I have ever known, and these days..”
You might not know what you are, but you know what you can do. Destroy, create and much much more. You can do anything.
Amandus fuissem

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Life is a battle between the positive and the negative in this fallen state of being; as we have no ultimate absolute power to control anything other than our belief in God who is the only power that matters and will bring peace to those who have Faith! This is a battle for souls!
Peace.

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Hi again Kajal, this writing has certainly propelled itself forward into the future with much attention and worthy input! That said, I hope that you are finding resolution and peaceful balance in all things Kajal through this process and just remembering to keep your heart fully open to God, He alone is the power, and glory we all need to save us from all problems or despair and ultimately bringing us eternal joy, peace and life!
God Bless You and Yours,
Lawrence

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Hello Kajal, and yes I’ve been busy and distracted from the cycle I was in previously with many things I could say but this wouldn’t be the best venue to consider them. I am glad to hear you are so active here and I hope many important factors or circumstances in your life are being managed well. I did mention a while ago that if you feel inclined to email for better exchange of ideas and feelings you can anytime at the address I provided in one of my previous comments.
Meanwhile, you keep your chin up and focus on that positive energy and love in your heart because God put it there for good reason! 🤗
Peace to you my friend, 🌻
Lawrence

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